“I met her 6 years ago on an online forum for women looking for a sperm donor. I responded her call with: ‘I would be glad to help you getting a baby.’ It was the start of a long and daily email conversation. When we first met we had a beautiful day together walking in a Belgian city. I remember waiting for her train to go back to Amsterdam I held her tiny hands in mine and I knew.. this was true love. I started coming to Amsterdam more often and we got into a relationship. It was a fairy tale. Four months later she was pregnant and the next year our wonderful daughter was born. It was the happiest time of our life. We had a beautiful family and the first 3 years we never even had the slightest argument. Unfortunately dark clouds gathered over our love story. Our daughter kept having problems sleeping at night and there was no more time for romance or intimacy. It lasted for about a year and a half like that. I thought I was OK with that but it seemed I wasn’t. I met someone else. We got into a relationship but I only confessed this to my girlfriend after a few months. She was devastated. Our life became a nightmare. I broke up with that other woman and we stopped having contact. When I came back to my senses, I was full of regret but relieved I ended the affair. I knew I had made the worst mistake of my life and I was so happy that our family was still together. As I was looking at my girlfriend, I got tears in my eyes. I realized what an exceptionally beautiful soul she really is. I felt something I never though was possible, I wanted to marry her. I wanted to devote myself to her and to our child for the rest of our life but she couldn’t get over it. She kept becoming very emotional and losing control over her emotions. It went from bad to worse. She couldn’t take it anymore and begged me to leave her. I was devastated. I went into a deep shock. I couldn’t stop shaking and trembling anymore. The first days I barely ate or slept. I cried my heart out, I was torn apart. For months I have been crying and shaking and suffering. 14 weeks have passed and still I wake up every day shaking. I have never had these feelings so I don’t know what is happening to me. I keep having this fantasy in my mind that she will forgive me and that we will restore our beautiful family. She keeps saying that it won’t happen. Playing the violin on the streets helps me to distract my mind. When I see all those kind smiling faces passing by my heart is able to let go for a while and sometimes these difficult feelings no longer have a grip on me. Although many people tell me I’ll get over it, I feel this time I won’t. She has always been so kind to me. We really were a wonderful family. The weight of guilt and regret for what I have destroyed is just too much. I am broken.”